Writing for the Tampa Bay Times, Stephanie Hayes brings the satirical approach to the federal funding freeze.
You know what? They can keep the money. It’s fine!
Florida schools don’t need the nearly $400 million frozen by the Trump administration, for it is a truth universally acknowledged that public education is rolling in money. Absolutely engorged with riches. Railroad barons, pretty much. Sending funds to schools? Pfft. That’s like splashing water on the Gulf of America.
While it is true that Congress already approved the funds designed to help needy students, Donald Trump’s lawyers have argued that it’s chill to hold $6.8 billion of it captive as an apparent punishment for lefty antics.
Which is fine! It’s fine, really!
Teachers are busy anyway at their vacation villas in Monte Carlo. A little last-minute budget scramble is no big deal since all educators and administrators sleep easily the rest of the year, their bellies full of USDA prime steak and duck fat potatoes.
Did you know teachers start each morning with a state-sponsored crystal flute of Dom Pérignon topped with tangelo juice hand-harvested from organic farms? Were you aware that taxpayers make it possible for educators to cultivate a wardrobe entirely of Louis Vuitton? Have you heard that every new support staffer hired is promised Coachella tickets on the federal dime?
Hillsborough, Pinellas and Pasco schools will not miss the many millions they were counting on. Just ask any parent in those districts. Those kids are eating foie gras in the lunch line while discussing their stock options for the new fiscal year. There is no such thing as a high-poverty school, only a school that has not perfected its hustle and grind.