August 4, 2022

Brittany K. Fonte: Memo Regarding New State Teacher Qualifications

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McSweeney’s Internet Tendency regularly provides some of the sharpest satire on the internet. In this piece, Brittany K. Fonte provides a pointed response to Florida’s new policy of handing out teaching licenses to any member of the military or their spouse. Here’s a fictional “dear colleagues” letter from the state.

Due to recent societal upheavals, as well as a general lack of respect and belief in education, compassion, or humanity, we will be offering thirty-five-year renewable teaching certifications to the following:

  • Military veterans and their spouses, regardless of higher education status
  • Any member of Christian clergy without specific abuse allegations or upcoming civil suits
  • Current or former dog walkers who have not lost more than five canines in three years
  • Baristas with experience serving entitled customers
  • High school students who believe they know more than their parents and have more than 1,000 TikTok followers
  • Family members of politicians without photographic proof of “accidental” cultural appropriation
  • Anyone with a conceal-and-carry license, regardless of expiration date or past indictments

The above changes are not meant to create community discussion surrounding pay increases for those current teachers with myriad Masters’ degrees whose lives have been spent working toward the safety and security of all students.

Other duties as assigned will still include:

  • Proper hygiene pointers
  • After-hours reading interventions
  • Parental mental health assessments (on the DL)
  • In-class snack distribution for children who cannot afford meals, are allergic to tree nuts, wheat, or dairy, or who simply do not enjoy the free cafeteria meals
  • Embarrassing or stomach-churning restroom support
  • Hair-brushing/ styling/ emergency gum retraction
  • Eradicating all lesson plans about racism, sexism, sizeism, ableism, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia, and any other “society ills”
  • Guidance on social interactions, physical relations, or contraceptive methods (we plan to ban guidance on these topics soon, so don’t really sweat them)

Due to politics and pandemic fatigue, there will never be overtime for weekends spent grading or planning for the sole sake of supporting student progress (in this vein, and with regard to equity, retirees’ monthly checks will be cut by twelve percent).

There won’t be any pay increases to cover both housing and food price inflation, nor monetary help to pay for graduate courses that are mandatory in order to continue being paid the same wage as a 17th-century scullery maid.

Read the full darkly humorous piece here. 

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